Thursday, June 23, 2011

"Hi, Rob. I may look pleasant enough, but I'm an asshole redneck just like that asshole redneck across the street."

There's an old man in my neighborhood that I see out walking all the time- in the morning, when I'm leaving for work, Saturday evenings when I'm leaving for work, midday Sundays when I'm heading out to do errands, when I ride my bike in the neighborhood. And plenty of other times. He walks to the QT and gets coffee. He usually waves and I wave back. That's the extent of our interaction, but he always seems pleasant enough. 
This morning he happened to walk by the driveway before I pulled out. His coffee cup was obviously empty (I could tell by the way he was holding it), so I stayed put because I've always had a problem with empty QT coffee cups showing up in my yard two or three times a week and was curious. He could see the Elefant's lights were on. I wasn't trying to hide the fact that I was in the car.
After he passed my driveway, I pulled down to the end and stopped to watch. He walks down just past where my neighbor’s (Ramon) fence starts, does a quick turn of his head, then tosses the cup into Ramon’s yard. I'm not sure what his rational was, but I'm thinking it was along the lines of “it’s okay to toss trash into that guy’s yard because that guy’s just a Mexican foreigner or whatever and I’m an American.”
The next look on his face, however, was scared shitless when I pulled up next to him and said "I'd appreciate if you'd not do that anymore." He evidently thought I was going to get out of the car and get physical.
Since he look petrified already, I left out the part where I was going to elaborate with "if I find any more trash in my yard, you're going to end up with a fucking landfill in yours" and- instead- told him I'd also appreciate it if he refrained from ever doing it again.
I kept my voice pleasant and I hope the message got through. Because I’m the one the rednecks should be worried about. The foreigners in the neighborhood these boneheads are always so up in arms about? They want the same peace and quiet everyone else does. They’re not looking to bother anyone. And guess what, you xenophobic asshole? You scare them. Congratulations, big man. Isn’t that what you wanted?
Guess what else, though? You don’t fucking scare me. I dislike you precisely because of your backwards attitudes and intolerance and your “Rebel” flag and your attitude that you're somehow better than your neighbors because of where you were born and the color of your skin- which also leads me to think your parents may have shared a closer familial bond than that of husband and wife.
That's right, I dislike you and I am devious, sometimes maybe even a bit evil- and possibly a tad vengeful when you piss me off enough. Or fuck with my friends/family.
And one more coffee cup just might to do it.