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Hockey mask optional

I don't have friggatrishtkaidekaphobia (it‘s a real thing- look it up). I mean, if I was (for some reason) at a summer camp, a teenager, drug user, drunk, and screwing anything that moved- I might be worried. Also, my teenaged years would've been a lot more interesting. Oh, I’d also be in Australia, or somewhere else in the southern hemisphere (since it‘s winter time here).

Ooh- imagine Mrs. Voorhees as the Meryl Streep character in “A Cry in the Dark”- she’d be all revenge motivated and slaughtering dingoes while chastising them for “eating her babies.” But I digress.

Anyway, Friday the 13th. If you happen to find yourself at Camp Crystal Lake, it'd be wise not to fornicate, use drugs or drink. In fact, what the HELL are you doing at Camp Crystal Lake?!? Have you been in a pop-culture vacuum for 35 fucking years??? Even I'm not that out of touch. Get in your car IMMEDIATELY and get the hell out of there!

Nope. No friggatrishtkaidekaphobia here at all.

One my "insider" emails from one of my credit cards that has info on presales for concerts and events. One of the featured items is the presale for the Van Halen show at Madison Square Garden (I've tried something like a jillion times to change the preferences to show me stuff around Atlanta-obviously unsuccessful- but that's a whole other story). Kool & The Gang are the other group on the bill. Odd pairing, what?

I have a co-worker who has a "the-man-has-it-out-to-get-me" complex. Normally, I just ignore him- even when he's talking directly to me. (Let me not forget the part where he’s also a dumbass who has- for something like three years now- been trying to prove some ridiculous point about how unfair our bosses are in enforcing the rules equitably by coming in around 9:30 every day just because some of the other asstards come in late and it’s not fair. And then bitches that he can’t get enough hours of work, and doesn’t get paid enough.)

Anyway, he was griping that he had to go to court for getting cited for driving on an expired tag. He was jabbering on about how “technically, 2011 wasn't over yet- so I shouldn't get a ticket until 2012.” I asked him when he got the ticket. He said in December. I asked when his birthday was. He said November.

I said (and you’re gonna have to use your imagination to get the right inflection of incredulity), “you're actually going to go before a judge and make that argument?”

He confirmed that he was. And people wonder why I say I work with fucktards.

Alas, the derision in my voice was lost on him. Of course.

I was telling Shelby about it and she said “well, if he was from Virginia, I might understand...” (because in Virginia, you renew after the first of the year, instead of your birthday. Like we used to do in Georgia. You know, fifteen years or so ago?)

Anyway, I said “he is from Virginia- but he's lived here at least 10 years. You'd think it would've sunk in by now- but that's a layer of stupid I don't think anything's ever getting through!”

So a few days after that, dumbass co-worker is all kinds of down because the judge wasn't buying it.

I asked him “did the judge appeared to be retarded?"

He looked perplexed.

“Well that's the only fucking way he would've gone for that story,” I continued.

Seriously, sooner or later they'll all stop talking to me and just let me do my fucking work...

And maybe a peanut butter and banana sandwich...

While surfing Sunday, I noticed that the Elvis Presley FB page had asked "We want to know! What you think Elvis would have wanted for his 77th Birthday???"
I'm pretty sure the answer's "not to be dead…"


I don't smoke (anymore) and never could stand the smell in my clothes. I didn‘t smoke in the house, and (usually) had the car windows down. And I‘d always strip down and stuff my clothes into the hamper when I‘d get home from the bars.
But trying to stop people from doing so in their own, private vehicles? Well, that’s what Emory University in Decatur is doing. They made the entire campus a smoke-free zone, including any vehicles on campus- whether they’re university property or not.
I mean, are they talking about someone driving through the campus with the windows up, or are they concerned about someone on their way to a meeting on a spring day with all the windows down, chain smoking a pack of Pall Mall filterless? Like that even makes a difference? I mean, it is still their own, personal vehicle. 
Me, I see my vehicle as a sovereign entity- kind of like an embassy. It’s a huge incursion on individual rights, in my opinion…


I see where it was reported that the Kodak Company will be filing for Chapter 11 protection soon. 
I wish I could say I was surprised, but their focus on "commercial and consumer printers" was doomed by the fact that said items were crap.
Sure, they were capable of printing beautiful pictures- but they were horribly overpriced, prone to failure, and the proprietary peripherals were insanely expensive. And then, there was the whole "when you could get them work" thing- which was rare, ‘cause- again- they were pieces of shit.
All three of the sign shops I’ve worked in have had Kodak wide-format printers. In Savannah, the thing was constantly breaking down. Ditto the shop in Buckhead. And the one here hasn’t worked since before I started here (just in case you were wondering if it was my lack of ability).
The reason all of them were out of service? Usually, because the ink would dry up in the print heads or (worse) in the lines from the ink reservoir to the print heads. Like I said, pieces of shit.


Alabama won the supposed national championship Mondway night. Yippee. Here’s my yearly rant: There will be no such thing as a national champion at the I-A level until there’s a playoff. All you really have is a bunch of supporters of various teams, arguing about who’s better.
In fact, LSU still won 13 games- more than any other team (including Alabama) at that level. You could make a case that they should be the national champs. Kind of like when the Patriots went undefeated a few years back, they should have been NFL champs, right? Wait, that’s not right. Oh yeah- that’s because they actually HAVE playoffs.
So, what we get instead are FIVE one-loss teams who can make a case that they were the best team in the country- except Oklahoma State. (You guys lost to a 6-6 team- no fucking way you deserve a shot at the “title”.)


Okay, is the girl in the Education Connection commercial all kinds of peppy about being a dipshit with poor education stuck in a low-paying job, or is she keyed up since she‘s now enrolled at such a prestigious institute of higher learning? Oh wait, it never does actually say that last part...


Also, the ProForm Google Maps-powered exercise bike looks cool and all- but what kind of jackass needs to wear a helmet to ride an INDOOR bike?

So I'm slack- sue me...

This blog's free. And usually contains stuff you've already seen me bitch about via Facebook. Anyway, it's the New Year. Maybe I'll be better about posting (though I wouldn't count on it).

Bean Spouts for 01/06/12

Have you made any resolutions for 2012? I didn’t formally make any, but there’s a few things I would like to do. I’ll be keeping them to myself, though. I have some suggestions for a couple of “my” teams, of course.

First up, the Braves- who should resolve to:

- Find a right fielder who can hit. Jason Heyward finished last April with a .263 average. His hitting went down the crapper from there. With right field being one of the “power” spots, well- Heyward’s failures were amplified. For a kid who was a strong rookie of the year candidate in 2010, his sophomore slump threatened to end his stay in Atlanta.

- Stop playing down to the competition. There are some teams you absolutely have to beat, and the Braves too often fail to do so.

- Go upside the whole team’s head if they drop three in a row. Seriously, one freaking win in the last five games puts the Braves in the playoffs last year, and they drop respond by rolling over and playing dead?

- Thank the baseball gods that Derek Lowe will never get anywhere near the mound at Turner Field again- unless he’s pitching for the opposing team, in which case they should light him up light the Griswold house in “Christmas Vacation.” Fucking loser.

For the Falcons:

- Some better second stringers. Seriously, watching Tampa Bay score 24 unanswered points Sunday was ridiculous. And disheartening, because even the Giants- who the Falcons play in round one Sunday- are a better offensive team than the Buccaneers.

- Find some finishing power. Because, when you’re up 42-0 in the second quarter, the your final score needs to be in the 50s, and you should kick the shit out of the opposing team more- even if all you do is run the ball for the rest of the game.

For the NFL:

- A complete rethinking of the playoffs. An 8-8 team (I’m looking at you Denver Broncos) shouldn’t be in the playoffs- much less hosting a fucking game.

For NCAA division one football (or whatever it’s called):

- Any sort of playoff system, even a flawed one, that might more accurately determine a national champion. Even the ridiculous proposition of the “big six” conference champs thrashing it out would be better than the “system” they have now.

For the North Avenue Trade School:

- Al Groh. Fired. Immediately. Preferably after all the fans have had a chance to plant a boot in his ass.

- Passes in situations that aren’t obviously passing situations. The triple option is incredibly productive. At times. It’s also incredibly predictable. Even 25 throws a game would trip up defenses…

Shelby and I watched the Peach Bowl Saturday night and had to wonder why the refs were even issued flags. Watching Auburn block on offense, I saw more holding than a freshman mixer where the chaperones had fallen asleep and all the girls had been dosed with rohypnol. I wonder if any of the Uva players even got kissed?

New Year’s has become my least favorite time of year. Why? Because of all the “American Idol” promos Fox keeps showing…

And “Napoleon Dynamite” looks shitty, too. If I didn’t give a rat’s ass about seeing the movie- why the fuck would I want to see a cartoon based on it that’s at least five years too late to ride whatever “buzz” the movie had…

Normally, I’m sick for at least one of the “major” holidays. That holiday is (usually) Thanksgiving. This year, I managed to feel fine for Thanksgiving. And was ill for Christmas and New Year’s. Happy holidays to me…

So I saw a lot of people posting on Facebook and other sites I see during my web travels what they took to be funny tweets and such from people complaining about stuff they wanted- but didn't get- for Christmas. That sickens me. We live in one of the richest countries on the planet, in one of the most prosperous eras in human history (no matter what the recent economic climate has been) and people complain? 

If you’re one of those people who are actually stupid enough to bitch, I offer this: Fuck you.

Don't like your stuff? Give it to people who didn't get anything. If your white iPod is so fucking horrible because you specifically asked for the black one, go sell it and give the money to a war widower who couldn't afford gifts for his kids. 

Did your dumb-ass parents buy you an PS3 instead of XBox? How about donate it to a Boys & Girls club if it's that bad? I’m sure they’ll be happy, no matter the color.

Hubby only got you half carat diamond earrings instead of the five carat ones you wanted? How about ditch ‘em and send the money to Africa, where most assuredly at least one person died to provide your husband with what he surely thought was a nice gift for you, you stupid hag?

Got a used Civic instead of the new Porsche you wanted? You’re 16. You want a Porsche, get a fucking and buy your own damned car.

Mainly what I mean is, shut up you whining, spoiled, ungrateful piece of shit...

If I didn’t already find Conan O’Brien to be an unfunny sack of dicks, the four minutes of promos Peachtree TV runs during “Married With Children” would convince me…

Shelby drove to Richmond for Christmas. I flew up on Christmas Eve. On Boxing Day, we drove from Richmond to Savannah. The next day, we drove home to Norcross.

At one point, in South Carolina- near where I95 and I26 meet- there were two Barney Fife wannabe state troopers with a car parked in the road with one lane closed.

They were just standing there. Not investigating- just standing there with their thumbs up their asses, shooting the breeze. There were no skid marks. No wreckage. No other emergency vehicles. No evidence at all of anything, except these two dumbasses blocking off a lane of traffic and causing a 15 mile backup of traffic on one of the busy freaking interstates in the country.

And then, there’s the other drivers. Here’s a hint: If you’re getting passed on the right, you’re going too fucking slow. Get your dumb ass as far to the fucking right as possible- because you are not only driving too slow- you’re also a fucking idiot…