Monday, January 2, 2012

So I'm slack- sue me...

This blog's free. And usually contains stuff you've already seen me bitch about via Facebook. Anyway, it's the New Year. Maybe I'll be better about posting (though I wouldn't count on it).
Bean Spouts for 01/06/12
Have you made any resolutions for 2012? I didn’t formally make any, but there’s a few things I would like to do. I’ll be keeping them to myself, though. I have some suggestions for a couple of “my” teams, of course.
First up, the Braves- who should resolve to:
- Find a right fielder who can hit. Jason Heyward finished last April with a .263 average. His hitting went down the crapper from there. With right field being one of the “power” spots, well- Heyward’s failures were amplified. For a kid who was a strong rookie of the year candidate in 2010, his sophomore slump threatened to end his stay in Atlanta.
- Stop playing down to the competition. There are some teams you absolutely have to beat, and the Braves too often fail to do so.
- Go upside the whole team’s head if they drop three in a row. Seriously, one freaking win in the last five games puts the Braves in the playoffs last year, and they drop respond by rolling over and playing dead?
- Thank the baseball gods that Derek Lowe will never get anywhere near the mound at Turner Field again- unless he’s pitching for the opposing team, in which case they should light him up light the Griswold house in “Christmas Vacation.” Fucking loser.
For the Falcons:
- Some better second stringers. Seriously, watching Tampa Bay score 24 unanswered points Sunday was ridiculous. And disheartening, because even the Giants- who the Falcons play in round one Sunday- are a better offensive team than the Buccaneers.
- Find some finishing power. Because, when you’re up 42-0 in the second quarter, the your final score needs to be in the 50s, and you should kick the shit out of the opposing team more- even if all you do is run the ball for the rest of the game.
For the NFL:
- A complete rethinking of the playoffs. An 8-8 team (I’m looking at you Denver Broncos) shouldn’t be in the playoffs- much less hosting a fucking game.
For NCAA division one football (or whatever it’s called):
- Any sort of playoff system, even a flawed one, that might more accurately determine a national champion. Even the ridiculous proposition of the “big six” conference champs thrashing it out would be better than the “system” they have now.
For the North Avenue Trade School:
- Al Groh. Fired. Immediately. Preferably after all the fans have had a chance to plant a boot in his ass.
- Passes in situations that aren’t obviously passing situations. The triple option is incredibly productive. At times. It’s also incredibly predictable. Even 25 throws a game would trip up defenses…

Shelby and I watched the Peach Bowl Saturday night and had to wonder why the refs were even issued flags. Watching Auburn block on offense, I saw more holding than a freshman mixer where the chaperones had fallen asleep and all the girls had been dosed with rohypnol. I wonder if any of the Uva players even got kissed?

New Year’s has become my least favorite time of year. Why? Because of all the “American Idol” promos Fox keeps showing…

And “Napoleon Dynamite” looks shitty, too. If I didn’t give a rat’s ass about seeing the movie- why the fuck would I want to see a cartoon based on it that’s at least five years too late to ride whatever “buzz” the movie had…

Normally, I’m sick for at least one of the “major” holidays. That holiday is (usually) Thanksgiving. This year, I managed to feel fine for Thanksgiving. And was ill for Christmas and New Year’s. Happy holidays to me…

So I saw a lot of people posting on Facebook and other sites I see during my web travels what they took to be funny tweets and such from people complaining about stuff they wanted- but didn't get- for Christmas. That sickens me. We live in one of the richest countries on the planet, in one of the most prosperous eras in human history (no matter what the recent economic climate has been) and people complain? 
If you’re one of those people who are actually stupid enough to bitch, I offer this: Fuck you.
Don't like your stuff? Give it to people who didn't get anything. If your white iPod is so fucking horrible because you specifically asked for the black one, go sell it and give the money to a war widower who couldn't afford gifts for his kids. 
Did your dumb-ass parents buy you an PS3 instead of XBox? How about donate it to a Boys & Girls club if it's that bad? I’m sure they’ll be happy, no matter the color.
Hubby only got you half carat diamond earrings instead of the five carat ones you wanted? How about ditch ‘em and send the money to Africa, where most assuredly at least one person died to provide your husband with what he surely thought was a nice gift for you, you stupid hag?
Got a used Civic instead of the new Porsche you wanted? You’re 16. You want a Porsche, get a fucking and buy your own damned car.
Mainly what I mean is, shut up you whining, spoiled, ungrateful piece of shit...

If I didn’t already find Conan O’Brien to be an unfunny sack of dicks, the four minutes of promos Peachtree TV runs during “Married With Children” would convince me…

Shelby drove to Richmond for Christmas. I flew up on Christmas Eve. On Boxing Day, we drove from Richmond to Savannah. The next day, we drove home to Norcross.
At one point, in South Carolina- near where I95 and I26 meet- there were two Barney Fife wannabe state troopers with a car parked in the road with one lane closed.
They were just standing there. Not investigating- just standing there with their thumbs up their asses, shooting the breeze. There were no skid marks. No wreckage. No other emergency vehicles. No evidence at all of anything, except these two dumbasses blocking off a lane of traffic and causing a 15 mile backup of traffic on one of the busy freaking interstates in the country.
And then, there’s the other drivers. Here’s a hint: If you’re getting passed on the right, you’re going too fucking slow. Get your dumb ass as far to the fucking right as possible- because you are not only driving too slow- you’re also a fucking idiot…


  1. Rob, I love that you can say a lot of the things that I'm thinking:) But why are you watching Married with Children?

  2. "Married... With Children" is still funny to me.

  3. And certainly more realistic than "The Cosby Show".