Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Abridged Print Edition for 02/25/11

 Last week, I wasn’t feeling all that great last week, which is why you missed me (you know what I mean). By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was at the point where I had to make an “emergency” appointment with my doctor- who I’d just seen 13 days earlier. In fact, I was just three days removed from 10 days worth of antibiotics for my recurring tonsillitis. Wouldn’t you know it, pneumonia. Again. Sinusitis. Again. And laryngitis from coughing so much. So on the couch I dwelled from Wednesday evening until Monday, when I finally managed to go back to work. For part of the day, anyway… I was out driving Tuesday afternoon on the way home from doing a survey, and saw a guy walking down the road wearing some racing tee shirt. I know, you’re thinking- “big deal, you live in Georgia. Of course you’re gonna see some dumbfuck redneck in a racing tee.” Thing is, this guy wasn’t your typical redneck. Or didn't seem like one, anyway. He appeared to be from somewhere on the Indian subcontinent. (I guess that makes him a brown neck?) I thought it was funny, anyway… I’m all for looking for alternative energies and things like that, but really- what good does an electric car do? (Not talking about hybrids.) Seriously? Where do you think electricity comes from? Telsa’s fucking ghost or something? The Edison fairy? Nope. In the United States, you’re 89% likely to be getting your “juice” from a non-renewable power source, and nearly a 50% chance it’s from a coal-fired power plant. So what? So you’re not polluting while you drive. So stop acting like you’re some superior fucking specimen just because your car doesn’t have any emissions- because your condescending attitude is just as noxious as diesel exhaust, you asshole… A couple of commercials have gotten under my skin recently. The first one was a spot for a certain home improvement chain for their Presidents’ Day sale. Part of the voice over said you could save “Washingtons, Lincolns, Franklins…” and that’s where I always lost it. Franklin. Was. Not. A. Fucking. President. It would be one thing, I guess, if some Mom and Pop outfit made a goof like that in their local spot, but a major fucking chain? Don’t you people have staff to check out shit like that? I mean, I’m assuming you missed the day in school when they went over the presidents. And then there’s the one from the restaurant chain featuring their February deals. With Washington and Lincoln getting what’s obviously supposed to be a birthday cake. From Ben-fucking-Franklin. No wonder kids nowadays seem like idiots, “learning” shit like that from TV… For the first time in two years, I had to cancel my Saturday night gig last weekend, thanks to a) not being able to talk above a whisper and 2) coughing up chunks of lung with what seemed like every other breath. They managed to carry on without me (evidently they were able to find a fill in), but I think the guy’s not particularly popular (in the words of one of my semi-regulars, via Facebook “I hope you recover quickly because (it) Sucks without you!!!”)… Oh- another commercial that just makes me nuts in the one for the ginormous whipped coffee thing that features the two fucktards spasmodically beating on the table in some kind of “Stomp” inspired “dance.” Seriously- how’d you like to be sitting next to those two asspipes? I think I’d be pounding out a beat on their heads. Wait- no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be eating in that particular shit-pile of a restaurant to begin with…. One good thing (?) about being couch bound for five days, I made quite the dent in my Netflix queue. Whoever came up with the idea of streaming movies is a genius. I’ve been watching all kinds of stuff- some good, one or two excellent and more than a few just complete trash. One of the ones I watched Sunday was a decent, early 80s slasher flick. It had Avery Schreiber in a dramatic role. That part was kind of hard to take seriously, ya know? It’s not a particularly annoying commercial, just puzzling- but have you seen the one where the guy keeps popping his out of the doorway and says “honey, we’re out of toilet paper again”? I think that guy may need to see a doctor… That spot also reminds me of a “Beavis & Butt-head” episode. I don‘t remember the specifics- I just remember Beavis kept saying “I poop too much”… The first time I read Stephen King‘s novel "The Stand" was actually the date that the beginning of the book takes place. And I had the beginnings of a cold- which made the book even creepier than it already was. And, of course, since I was sick all weekend, what did I watch? A show about the Black Plague. And how some other, equally nasty devastating population killing germ is just lurking in the shadows, ready to wipe most of us out. I’m a genius... Any of you watch the IBM/Jeopardy shows? They just seemed like lame, half-hour commercials for IBM to me. And I wasn’t impressed, because all it demonstrated was that “Watson” had a fast processor. It‘s not like it had to press a signal button like the humans did, which seemed an unfair advantage to me. Of course, I still think Ken Jennings is an idiot- missing that FedEx question... Ever go to a company’s website and run into nothing but blank pages and broken links? Seriously, it’s not like the internet is some new-fangled ad gimmick- it’s been around. I don’t think there’s any excuse for a company not to have a properly functioning site. Otherwise, why bother?

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