Let’s dip into the mailbag, where Sean sends in this: "Chris Berman lost 40 pounds on NutriSystem so I guess he is doing his part to cut back on the free lunches."
Maybe so, but I still think ESPN should fire him…
"No duh" trivia: The more money a person makes, the less likely they are to buy lottery tickets…
Did you hear about the woman in Iowa who was arrested because her library book was overdue? She was charged with a misdemeanor count of fifth-degree theft for failing to return "The Freedom Writers Diary" to the Jesup Public Library last April.
The woman was released after posting $250 bond. She said she would "be glad to pay for the book or do whatever I need to do to make it right…Maybe I'll tell the judge I'm a slow reader."
Yeah, 'cause being a wiseacre to the judge is always a good idea…
Not that I really care, but don't you think they could've actually gotten 500 miles in if they hadn't waited until something like 3:45 to start Sunday's race?
Liquor industry execs took a page out of the founding fathers' playbook and staged an anti-tax rally on the steps of the Kentucky state capitol to protest a recent state House committee's approval of a 6 percent tax on alcoholic beverages in stores. It was a Boston Tea Party-like event. Except it was in Kentucky, and I seriously doubt the tea was 90 proof.
"If this tax is left to stand, if you can believe it, Kentucky bourbon will be taxed more in Kentucky than any other state in the country and that's pretty ridiculous," said Maker's Mark CEO Bill Samuels.
The state's current taxes on spirits: 11 percent wholesale tax on packaged liquor; 6 percent tax on drinks purchased in bars and restaurants, an 8 cent per gallon tax on beer, a 50 cent per gallon tax on wine and a $1.92 per gallon tax on distilled spirits.
Man, I thought $6.50 for a beer at the baseball game was pricey…
While we're talking booze- an Iowa man showed at the local lock up last week to serve his sentence and was hit with new charges after Johnson County Sheriff officials said they smelled alcohol on his breath.
The 19 year old was set to serve a three day sentence on a public intoxication conviction when he was charged with an aggravated misdemeanor count of third and subsequent public intoxication. His initial test showed a blood alcohol content of .101.
Obviously the third time isn't always a charm…
Tom Glavine, Kenny Griffey- the Braves are gonna need an AARP rep on the team instead of a MLBPA rep…
Ten years ago- heck, five year ago- I'd have been all for bringing Junior's bat to the Braves. Now, though- I don't know. Maybe he can recapture some magic, but who knows?
Also, over the past five seasons, Junior has averaged just over 121 games per year. And people get on Larry's back about being fragile. No doubt Junior is a great hitter, but he's been bitten by the injury bug most every year of his career.
Granted, the Braves would likely play Griffey in a platoon with Matt Diaz in right, but what happens if Diaz can't find his stroke and Junior has to run out there every day? How long would it be before we're hearing about a tweaked hamstring?
Griffey is a great player, but I have my doubts (and I hope I'm wrong). But, do we really want Atlanta to be the golden years home of baseball? Of course, the team hasn't signed him yet, so don't rush out to get that Geritol stock just yet…
Police in Sacramento arrested a man in a red cape and American flag hat with sequins carrying a wooden sword after he robbed an adult store there. Officers said the man still in costume, but had dropped the sword.
So many jokes to make, and nary a one suited for the paper…
Former Falcons running back Jamal Anderson was arrested in Atlanta last week and charged with possession of cocaine and marijuana.
Anderson and another man were arrested at a bar in Buckhead early last Sunday morning. An APD spokesperson said both men had powder cocaine in their possession and Anderson had a joint in his pocket. Both were taken to the Fulton County Jail…
So now we can call him A-Roid. I can't say I'm surprised Alex Rodriguez got caught. I can say, though, that I never understood why people thought he was so great? As it turns out, I was right to doubt…
Okay, so a dude in Boyton Beach, Florida leads officers on a two city chase, drives the wrong way on I-95 and plows into another car- then ends up with 50 traffic citations? Wait, that's not even the best part. Turns out the guy's license has been revoked SIX times and suspended 28 times.
How in the name of Richard Petty hasn't this yahoo been thrown UNDER the jail? I mean, great googly moogly…
Then, there was the St. Petersburg woman who was arrested on battery charges after striking one of her male acquaintances. With a bagel.
Seriously? The guy got beat up with pastry. I'm surprised he actually had the cojones to report it…
British researchers says that high caffeine consumption might be linked to a greater tendency to hallucinate.
Durham University researchers say caffeine users who consumed more than the equivalent of seven cups of instant coffee a day are three times more likely to have heard a person's voice when there was no one there.
One of the researchers pointed out that "hallucinations are not necessarily a sign of mental illness. Most people will have had brief experiences of hearing voices when there is no one there, and around 3 percent of people regularly hear such voices."
What? If you REGULARLY hear voices, there's some mental something going on in there.
As for myself, I drink decaf. Even a couple of cups of Shelby's regular coffee makes me all jittery…
The Falcons are looking to trade the rights to Michael Vick. The Cowboys don't want him. I guess they figure Terrell Owens is enough of a distraction.
Falcons' GM Thomas Dimitroff said the Falcons hadn't had any trade discussions, but "feel a trade is the best move for the Falcons, and it's also in the best interest for Michael." ('Cause, you know, we should REALLY be concerned about Mike's best interests.)
Really, though- what team is going to be stupid enough to take a chance on Vick? Any ideas?
Long time Jaguars running back Fred Taylor was released by the team Monday.
There's word that the team may try to re-sign Taylor, but he believes he can still be an NFL starter. He has been relegated to playing behind Maurice Jones-Drew for Jacksonville.
Taylor is 16th on the NFL's all time rushing list with 11,271 yards…
You wanna know another one commercial that irritates me? The Pizza Hut one where they give the pasta to the people in the restaurant in Italy.
Look, if I don’t go INTO the restaurant with the Pizza Hut sign hanging outside and you foist off their pasta on me, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be PO’d. And if I was Italian, in Italy, and knew what good past actually was? Fuhgeddaboudit!
That’s it for this week. I'll be back next time with more general silliness.
As always, send your questions, praises, or gripes to BeanSpouts@gmail.com, or via snail mail to:
c/o Spirit Newspapers
P.O. Box 33
Pooler, GA 31322